Guided Meditation for Caregivers: Guilt, Anger, Loneliness and Self-Compassion #caregiversupport

[00:00:00]
So this job, this work, this love of caregiving, 'cause it is a love too, and , what a strained love it can be because it's exhausting
And right off the bat, Recognizing that in a caregiving role, you can feel so alone. Even though you're busy, even though someone's there, it can feel very alone as you're going through it. You might notice that you don't have the same friends anymore. Some people can be around folks that are giving care, and other folks are afraid.
Afraid it could be them. And so sometimes our friends drift away
And it's hard to be alone. And that's important [00:01:00] to become aware of because it is a space in which we can feel Very separate.
So let's be real and look 'cause when something happens to a loved one or a person, a family friend, whoever it is, that needs care, it's happened to you, too, 'cause it changes your world as well
And so to be like, "Oh, you're never alone." I don't say it in that manner
I say it in a way to support and give strength.
And yes, we wish sometimes that we had someone tangible
Could wrap their arms around us or let us just rest or hear our feelings. To lean into when you're the one that's being leaned [00:02:00] on
and sometimes we don't have it physically in front of us
So first we're gonna feel the support of life with us.
And already I can feel the energy
of the disappointment in life, that we're having to go through it.
And it's okay to say that I'm mad at life. I'm disappointed at whatever, whoever we want to say it to. And if it's a God that you wanna say it to, well, if they're any kinda God, they can handle that. So say it
Let it come out your mouth. Whether you say it into a pillow, an empty room, or you write it down by hand, it's okay to express the disappointment at life. This life that's gonna merge with me, I'm [00:03:00] mad.
And that's an okay place to be.
And right there's another place we're not alone, 'cause anybody giving care understands that statement And if they can understand it, when a human can understand it, well then for sure life, God, source, whatever you wanna call it, can understand it.
And you can understand yourself
And love you as you process through it. So let's breathe in to this breath, this life that we're a little mad at. And even as we're mad at it and disappointed in it, but we gotta breathe, don't we?
And isn't that a bit like our life?[00:04:00]
We're a little mad, but we're still there. Gotta deal with it. Gotta keep going. So let's breathe in. And knowing that we are not alone in how we think And we're not alone in how we breathe, in our dependence on the breath. Let it merge with our bodies
And isn't it wonderful that even as we're mad at it, we're merging with it? Even though we're disappointed, it still joins us. How human. How life
To still connect, to still love, to still [00:05:00] merge, to still hold each other's hands even when we're disappointed, tired, and angry.
Sounds like love
Yeah, that's what we're breathing in. The breath
merges to support us,
joins us in our frustration and disappointment
But see now, I don't wanna color everything caregiving that, 'cause I've never laughed so hard in my life
as when I've been giving care to a friend or a family member
So it's not all [00:06:00] disappointment and frustration. And there again, we're not alone, see? Because we also recognize that it's not just one emotion, but we have space for the intensity of it Some of the funniest things though.
Oh my gosh, happen in those situations, and some of the toughest things. But we cannot forget both Or we won't last long. Or we sure won't feel like lasting long. But to remember that even though it's a tough job There's humor and there's still joy. So we are joined in a larger circumference of awareness.
We're supported [00:07:00] even as we're disappointed or frustrated We're supported with humor and with joy still. And of course, we want to be there for that family member, that loved one We're gonna hold their hand, just like we're joining them in their moments of emotion. 'Cause, see, I don't wanna limit it to just the frustrating, the harder ones, right?
'Cause it's not simply that. It's a broader picture So here we are allowing ourselves to understand and be supported by the breath, which we're still mad at. Mm, I'm still not happy. And yet I can begin to have some space for that[00:08:00]
In that being that we are and the breath that we are, and the one we're taking care of.
So as the breath joins us in our body and merges with us, not asking questions about how we feel, but joining us in that feeling As we are, not putting up a front, not putting up a good face. Sometimes we're breathing in and we can't breathe because we're laughing so hard, and sometimes we're breathing in and we can barely take in the breath because we wanna cry.
And either space
We're supported by the breath because it joins us in our emotion [00:09:00] without making us change how we feel. And what a support that is to be able to face life and be able to express how you really feel, not how you're supposed to feel Not what's best for everybody else, but how do you feel?
And the breath joins you without question, without making you make it sound better. You can be angry with it. You can be sad with it. You can be loud with the breath as you laugh
And we begin to see that life is all these things, and not our expectations. Our [00:10:00] expectations never expected this. And that's part of the pain of it, see.
Is letting go of what we expected And that's not simple or easy. But here it has joined us. This awareness too has joined us.
And it's part of why we're so mad because, see, life is that movement Of joy and sadness and challenge and success and losing it all and picking up the pieces[00:11:00]
But where do I want to do that from? I wanna do it from awareness and choice. As I face sometimes what I did not choose, let me face it with choice.
And there's another support And see that support is you. So the breath has joined you so that you're not alone.
And in so doing, it's supporting your choice on how to face
What's coming your way? The expectations unmet, the broken pieces, the humor. [00:12:00] 'Cause see, this is real life And the breath supporting your choices on how you wanna be in this space
is helping you recognize
the stillness and the centeredness that you are
Now, isn't it interesting as we move into this stillness and this peacefulness, this allowance of how we actually feel
and allowing ourselves to recognize that sometimes we are laughing and joyful. It's not all one way
This is beginning to [00:13:00] show us even more the support 'cause here we are joined
And here we are, stillness and awareness. And yet even in this stillness and awareness,
it doesn't shave off the reality, does it?
That I don't get to zen my way through this. And that's kind of a relief
'cause I wasn't zen about it.
I'm still angry,
still disappointed[00:14:00]
Still joyful
and still
in presence and awareness
But at no point have I been robbed of my feelings about it. No point has Zen taken it away
And what might that be saying to us
if these feelings don't go away? But as I look at them and I feel them and I express them, that I can be centered and still while I do it. Might my [00:15:00] feelings not be so wrong
Might I not have to feel guilty or frustrated?
'Cause it's okay for me to feel how I feel
And I kind of wanted the Zen to take it away, right? Where I'd be in this perfect space as I felt it. In fact, I wouldn't feel it. I'd just be, you know, so good with it. And I can see the ludicrousness that's just another expectation, that if I could be in the right place, I wouldn't have these feelings.
Well, my friend, you're in the right place, and you're having feelings
'Cause you are where you are,[00:16:00]
and your feelings are valid,
and they're not wrong
So how do I be this stillness
and look at this reality? Well, even just being that is more supportive
' Cause by being in the stillness in the center, I can see more than just one feeling that I was feeling. One way to look at it. I can see the myriad of feelings about it. And I'm not judging them anymore. I'm not judging myself for being angry
And here I'm sitting in the support of [00:17:00] myself, that I am safe when alone with me.
Because as I give care And I feel the rise of that anger or frustration or guilt, that I'm not judging me, that I'm with me. Just like the breath, I have joined me, present to me, whatever the feelings are, without judgment And when I take off the judgment,
a lot of those feelings lessen, ' cause of course. Of course this wasn't what you expected. Of course this wasn't what you planned And of course you have your feelings about it.
Of course. Let's be [00:18:00] real. Let's be human. And let's be still
So that we can appreciate our humanity as we're doing one of the most human things, to love and give care
'Cause we couldn't turn our eyes away, and we couldn't walk away.
But just because we couldn't or we wouldn't-
We're already so wise on when to say it and when not to. But sometimes it slips out, doesn't it? "Oh, I wish I could take that back. Oh my God, but I just-"
And to forgive that. To be with yourself. You're human, my friend, [00:19:00] and capacities get reached,
and it's okay
To be gentle with yourself
as you experience this incredibly intense human connection
And it's not just with that person you're giving care to, but with yourself. To be that, to have the space for you
It isn't just giving care to another. You must give care to yourself. It's hard to watch another person hurt, cry, be disappointed, not function the way they used to, [00:20:00] to see them struggle
It's a lot to stay in the presence of that, isn't it? Takes a lot of strength
And you wish they knew how you weren't judging them, that you were loving them. And that's for you too, my friend. As you're standing in the heat of the fire, be gentle with you.
The fire doesn't burn the same way
When you're not judging yourself.
To feel the heat without being angry at you.
To just notice that [00:21:00] it's heat
So here the breath has joined you to support, and you have joined you to support. And from this centered space, noticing the breadth of everything that's going on and the importance
Of noticing the fire instead of being burned up by it. Yes, the hours can be long, and what you see can be very painful emotionally, mentally, and physically
But holding that space where you're there with you, letting go of the expectations that you can't have [00:22:00] your feelings about it. Have them. Look at them
Notice the different ones. Notice how much love is coming from you and is going out to someone else And there's a way to increase that,
and it's by loving you first.
And I feel all the energy. I don't have time. I don't have spa- Love you first Love the you that's standing in that fire, having their feelings about it. Sometimes laughing, sometimes having a good time, but other times seeing things that you did not know you could bear
Have space for you. Love you in the midst of that. And as you love you [00:23:00] from this space of stillness, which isn't judging, which not saying it has to be different It's not saying you can't feel how you feel. It is just with you. It's you with you being real, not pretending, not saying it's not okay to feel how you feel By God, if you're gonna stand in the fire, be honest with yourself and be open with yourself.
When you stand in a fire, it gets hot, and you blow off sometimes. When you stand in a fire, you can get burnt And take care of that when it happens. [00:24:00] But don't judge you for getting burnt in a fire. Be proud of you for being willing to stand in it
And feel that appreciation for you, that love for you, and that understanding for you and your feelings And let your shoulders relax and look at all the feelings. None of them right or wrong, they're just real about this situation and about these expectations
And then get to know something even more real than those feelings, is the you
that supports you, that loves you, that knows you, [00:25:00] that is with you, that doesn't judge you
And then you can stand in that fire, not be burned as much because you're not fueling the flames inside you of judgment and anger, and I can't say it, and I can't be this, and I can't do that. Being with you in the midst of this So breathing in.
The breath is your friend.
And breathing in with the same breath, well, it's life
And life has challenges. We look around and we notice a lot of other people do, too. So there's nothing you did wrong that this is your [00:26:00] life.
And accept that breath as your friend, to remind you to be present to the being that you are Remembering that you are also your support. Because you get to choose how to deal and be and love you. Regardless of the care that you're giving, regardless of the fire you're standing in, can you love you, choose you, not judge you, but love you
And as you begin to love you and a life you didn't choose or didn't expect, as you begin to love you and a life that you weren't supposed to live
Well then what can't you [00:27:00] do, my friend? If you can love you in the midst of all this without judgment
Now fill this space within you
To love you in a life you weren't supposed to be living,
with feelings you weren't supposed to be feeling
With saying the words you weren't supposed to say.
If you can love you in the midst of that,
you can feel that space within yourself
You can feel that strength and that love and that gentleness
and that power and that peace
And then you can look it [00:28:00] out at all these feelings and notice that there's something stronger than each of those feelings, and it's you.
And sometimes you need to dance in the expression of that feeling
And be angry or be whatever. Dance with it and then let it go. And letting go doesn't mean it's not gonna come back for dance number two on your dance card
When you have to deal with bureaucracy and other things, of course, or when you see that one you love in pain, of course. But if you can love you in the midst of that fire
And the life you weren't supposed to live.
And you can look at your friend or partner, spouse or child, and you can love [00:29:00] them in the midst of the life they weren't supposed to live
And not look at them with anything but love. And when you look at somebody with love, doesn't mean you won't draw a line or two when you have to. But you're still seeing the real them, not their condition Not what they're thinking of themselves, 'cause you don't think it of you anymore. So when you love you this deeply, this fully, with this real presence of looking at everything, all the different emotions without judgment, when you love you that way-
Then you can see them for the real them, and they can feel that love for themselves. They can find that strength within [00:30:00] themselves,
that center within themselves to love themselves and the life they were never supposed to live
And then you can let go of the thought and the expectations and live life because it actually is what is.
And then you can embrace
life where it's at
And there'll be more joy. Surprises.
When we're real with life, where it really is, and loving ourselves where we are really at
Life meets us there.
And there's more joy in that life, there's more space in that life, there's more growth in that life, and there's more healing in that life
To be proud of you for standing [00:31:00] in the midst of the fire without being burnt.
And keep those loving eyes on you ' Cause sometimes when we forget and we get a little toasted, you know, we might curse a little bit. Might laugh at ourselves for forgetting and touching it again.
Thank you, my friends
For being willing to stand in that fire and open to the amazing being that's at the center of it
and can love themselves as they are having the ability to see the circumstances as they are
Without it having the meaning it used to have.
To see the [00:32:00] circumstances as they are
From your fully capable self.
And a fully capable self can see
The joy and the pain, their own feelings, their child's, their partner's, their parents', and be with it
Not taking it all on to themselves, 'cause how can you take someone else's emotion from them? You cannot. But you can be present.
But be present to yours first
You cannot help another as clearly and as cleanly until you have helped yourself.
To take care of you by not judging you, being real with you, allowing you the [00:33:00] space to get burnt once in a while, to blow off once in a while To go have fun without anybody else or with others, and leaving somebody at the house under good care, and go and having a good time and giving yourself space. Be gentle with you
And be kind to you.
And when you love you that way, that person that you're loving and taking care of can love themselves more fully
And let us live in that space regardless of our circumstances. To love ourselves more fully.
' Cause whatever circumstance, love is in the presence of
Well, you can feel [00:34:00] that. Whatever circumstance that love is in the presence of is full of love. And love understands
And love is at ease, and love is real.
And sometimes love cries, and love laughs
Love is a vast space within which to stand in the midst of any fire. Love yourself, my friend, and thank you.